Check it out. I’m blushing and blown away at the same time. I’m certainly not the savior of all womenkind as the article makes me out to be, but I’m proud to do what I can.

Recorded Nov. 16, 2010 in Medicine Hat, Canada.

Uma Thurman with Derek Dujardin at The Feminist Press Gala, Oct. 19, 2010

Last Monday night, I received an award from The Feminist Press for my work with the MENidng Monologues. Along with one other man and 38 women, we were selected from more than 400 nominations to represent the future of feminism of the 40th Anniversary of The Feminist Press. The ceremony took place at the Roosevelt Hotel in New York City, with Elaine May and Uma Thurman in attendance.

I don’t know who originally nominated me for this award, but I want to say thank you, whomever you are. It’s been a rough year for me personally and professionally, and I was beginning to lose my enthusiasm for this project, wondering if I just should stay on my side of the gender line. Receiving this award is an excellent validation of the my writing and it has reinvigorated my efforts

One of the highlights for me was spending about 10 minutes talking about the MENding Monologues and The MENding Dialogues with Uma Thurman and filmmaker Nira Mira. Uma loved the idea of the project. She was so warm, passionate and encouraging. She gave me this little bit of advice that I would like to pass on to other writers, artists and activisits. She said: “Let rejection fuel your resolve.”

Yep. Good advice.  Not exactly sure how to do that, but it’s lot better than letting rejection beat you down.

While there was no time given to the 40 honorees for acceptance speeches, if I had been given my 30 seconds, I probably would have said something like this:

“Thank you Bonnie Green for your loving support, organizational skills and spirited encouragement for keeping this vision alive when the disappointments seemed to pile up. Thank you to The San Diego MENding Monologues crew (Kim Pappas, Carla Nell,  Christopher Burger, Brendan Cavalier, Rod Rodegez, and many others for continuing to create their unique flavor of this project). Thank you Brad Luky, Tom Puetz and Tyrus Watson for your support for helping bring this show to life. Thank you Eve Ensler and to the Mark Matusack of V-Day’s V-Men for supporting us.  And, finally, a big, big thank you to all the men (and women) of the MENding who have the courage to break the silence and tell their stories, naked, vulnerable and on-stage, healing for all to see.

Check out the nominations…

https://www.feministpress.org/news-events/its-our-40th-birthday

I think we could cut gender violence in half if our society did just one thing.

At the age of 13, create a male rite of passage and invite all boys to go through it. For thousands of years, men have taught boys how to become healthy men. We have lost these rites of passage and now we have generations of men who are still boys, stunted, shutdown and numbing out with porn, videogames, drugs and addictions of every sort.

I staffed a Boys to Men Weekend recently where we took 16 boys from the ages of 13 to 17 years old and

them into the world of men. Not the world of men of who they have be role modeling for the first decade of their life, but the world of healthy, strong, trustworthy men. The REAL world of men.

The biographies of the boys were heart-wrenching. Half of them lived in foster homes. The other half lived with mom and had no father figures in their life. When they weren’t absent, their real dads were alcoholic and abusive. A lot struggled with ADHD, and more than 1/3 said have tried to kill themselves and most had suicidal thoughts.

I was hard NOT to write them off. And a few times I caught myself doing exactly that. These guys had really GOOD reasons to quit on their lives. And a few of us would have blame them if they did. They had the ultimate trump card and an excuse that could justify any actions and behaviors for the rest of their lives. They were victims. And now, they were each becoming perpetrators, some faster than others. In year or two, jail was were they were headed. They were all running out of second chances.

So, what did we do? I can’t tell you EXACTLY what we did that weekend because it’s secret, as rites of passage for men should be. But I can tell you about the Hero’s Journey. We took them through multiple processes that spoke about the healthy male energies and archetypes, including the Lover, Warrior, Magician and King. We told them about their shadows. The Lover’s shadow is the Addict. The Warrior’s shadow is the Bully, the Magicians shadow is the Trickster/Manipulator, and the King’s shadow is the Tyrant. We talked about the masks we all wear to hide the scarred little boy inside.

But most importantly, we dealt with what it means to be a man. Men keep their commitments, especially to themselves and their communities. Men don’t hurt themselves or others. Men speak their truth from their integrity.  We modeled this for all the boys, to show them they can trust men. And trust themselves. Make good choices. For many, it was the first time in their lives they have met men like this. We cried in front of them and showed them there is no shame in our emotions. Open vulnerable and raw, we showed up.

The climax of the weekend is an ordeal. However, from this ordeal, each of the boys get to become a king, the Decider of their lives. We take them through their wounds and help them find the gift that is next to it. We help them to be empowered and change their interpretations of their victim story and confront the obstacles and beliefs that are holding them back from moving forward. In short, we showed them their gold, and showed them the the shadow that is covering it.

They got it. Every single one of these, rough, hurt, angry, medicated, abused, apathetic boys walked out of that weekend a new person. And we did in less than 48 hours. I have no idea how we did it. I think this is in our DNA. Men are born to do this. Boys are born to received it.

Will it stick? We have a group of eight boys who joined us, called Journey Men. The J-Men on our weekend had biographies that were just as horrific as these boys who walked in on Friday night. But, they showed up, as men. They showed up in ways that taught me that I still have work to do. These Boys, were also Those boys, only a few months earlier or a year before. These J-Men, all had Victim stories that would give them an excuse that to live in their Shadow selves. But they showed up as Warriors, Lovers, and Kings. So, yes, for some, it will stick.

I love the MENding. I love the work that I do, but this work, this Boys to Men’s work, would make a world of difference if our world were to embrace it.

Another man left that weekend equally transformed. I got a refresher course in my B.S. and my shadow parts and I, too, have made a commitment to be a better man, more passionate, more loving, more grateful.

I can’t wait to do this work again.

To stay in touch with The MENding blog, please book mark http://themending.wordpress.com or visit our website at www.TheMENding.org.

Thanks

It’s called To Whom It May Concern. And I can’t think of a more powerful piece to use for Take Back The Night rallies.

To Whom It May Concern,

You don’t know me, we’ve never actually met and to be truthful I wouldn’t recognize who you were if you passed right by me on the street or showed up on my doorstep to sell me Amway.  Despite this, you have managed to change my life.  Now please allow me to step back for a moment and explain.  In order to do this, I am going to reintroduce you to someone you met, very briefly, some 15 years ago.  Now bare with me, this will begin to make sense in a moment.

This person’s name is Ann.  Ann lives in San Diego, where you two first met.  At that time she was a fulltime college student, her husband was in the military.  They didn’t have very much money; every dime they earned went to tuition, books, food and a decent roof over their heads.  The cost of living forced them to the outskirts of San Diego where their daily commute took over an hour.  Well, when you have to be at work before 7am you can imagine how early you have to start your day.

One particular morning Ann woke up, walked down to the kitchen and noticed there was nothing for breakfast.  She threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and drove down to the local grocery store about a mile and a half away.  After purchasing her Special K and skim milk, she walked back to her car.  That was when she met you.

She recognized that your van, conveniently parked between her car and the grocery store, was not there when she first arrived.  I still wonder why she didn’t act on her initial uneasiness.  No matter how many times people tell us to be careful, warn us of the dangers of being out in the dark and alone, we still never believe that we are going to be the victims of violent crime.

I guess Ann didn’t believe it either.

When she approached her car, you jumped out of your van.  You wrapped one arm around her, the other held a knife which you kept against her throat.  She was an inch or two away from her death.  After you told her, in explicit detail, what you were going to do to her and her body, you began to open the van’s side door.  Your plan was to force her inside and rape her.

Well there were a couple of factors you did not count on.  One was the unwillingness of the van’s side door to open.  The other was the unwillingness of Ann to allow you to take control of her body or her life.  She had just that split second, when you became distracted by a stubborn door, to react and just enough wriggle room to douse your face in pepper spray.  She fought back.  She refused to be your victim.

In that early morning hour all of our lives changed; yours, hers and mine.  That morning you learned that there are women out there who refuse to be a victim.  Hopefully you learned that no woman should be a victim.  That morning, an emboldened woman became an empowered woman.  Ann realized that the word no does not stop at the end of her lips but at the end of those actions she deems inappropriate; and if her words are not headed, that she has the ability and the right to stop those actions.  That morning I learned that violence against women directly affects me.  I learned that when my sister goes to the grocery store early in the morning for cereal and a gallon of milk, that she has the right to do so without fearing a situation that will test her ability to say no and mean it.  That violence against women in our society will not end until all of us, women and men, stand together and say enough. I learned that, as a man, my words and my actions have a direct affect on sexism in our society, that I have been at times a part of the problem and that I can be, and must be, a part of the solution.  And that there cannot be any excuse from anyone as to why we would allow violence against women to occur.

So to you I give thanks.  It was through you that I realized that everyone in my life has been affected by this type of violence because I have been affected.  And I, like my sister, refuse to become your victim.  It is because of that promise I made to myself that I stand on this stage today and share this story.  It is because of you that each and every person in this room will realize tonight that they too have been affected by this type of violence if for no other reason than because they have heard this story.  And it is because of you that my sister, and I, have been empowered and emboldened to do what we can do to end this violence.

We did not start this fight.  But I will be damned if we don’t finish it.

With Thanks and Sincerity,

Me.

Last Tuesday night, we did a performance at ASU that was both disappointing and enlightening for me. There were a group of fraternity men who were forced to attend our performance—and to our credit and theirs—they stayed engaged throughout. Afterwards, one of the moderators felt that something we had said in a monologue wasn’t accurate and she felt the need to clear it up. As an educator, it was her responsibility to do exactly that. She didn’t want these men walking out with any misinformation or something that could be misconstrued.

Unfortunately, what could have been two-minute factual fix to set the record straight, collapsed into an 15 minute attack on these men, as they were singled out. I saw them shutdown and squirm, and finally walk out.

In college, when I had attended lectures about sexual and gender violence, I could feel my arms fold and my walls go up. Inside, I said, “This is not my problem. Because I’m not the problem. Other guys do that shit, not me.” The statement that “all (frat) men are potential rapists” will polarize a room faster than anything.

There’s Got To Be A Better Way.

So, this whole thing got me thinking on how to reach these men. Because the way it’s being done now is pretty much a failure. It can’t come from monologuing, statistics, finger-pointing, shaming or blaming. In the MENding Monologues, we have had lot of conversation around gender violence and I believe our formula works and I offer it here for anyone who wants to give it a try. We come to this conversation not trying to change men, but as an honest inquiry. There’s no agenda here and no judgement. However, the process of inquiry itself will create an opening for a conversation so that statistics, facts and codes of conduct can land when offered.

STEP 1: MAKE VIOLENCE RELEVANT, WITHOUT GETTING PERSONAL.

Ask young men to write down three names of women who have been harmed by men. From date rape, incest, verbal abuse, harassment, beatings, domestic violence, etc. The fact that one in three women have suffered some kind trauma, odds are very good EVERY man knows somebody who has suffered abuse and they know her story. Mother, sister, friend, daughter, girlfriend, wife, etc.

STEP 2: ASK THEM HOW IT MADE THEM FEEL.

Get young men to pick a women’s name off his list and relate how it made him feel when that woman in his life was hurt or abused. Also, get them to speculate and brainstorm about how this trauma might or has affected these woman for the rest of their lives.

STEP 3: ASK WHAT’S THE COST VIOLENCE TO THEM?

This may seem strange, but most young people,  men and woman, are pretty self-absorbed. Asking what this past violence cost them is a relevant question, even thought they weren’t directly affected by the violence itself. In my case, I was in relationship with a woman who was molested by her father. Whenever her father would call, I was the one who had to watch her shutdown and was helpless to help her through it. Her drug and alcohol addiction, which she used to cope with the pain of incest, eventually became my problem and ultimately destroyed our relationship. I have been with other women who have sexually shutdown on me few month into the relationship because of the abuse in their life. Once, I raised my voice to a woman I was dating. It was a simple spat in the car over which route to take to a party. But what I said to her were the exact same words and tone another boyfriend used before she was beaten. That trigger ruined our evening and our relationship.

Why do this? This gets men to see that this problem of violence towards women is THEIR problem, too. Because they have women in their lives, and these hurts often surface in their relationships. This gets them to see that there is a problem. And that there is a ripple effect to violence.

STEP 4: HOW DOES THE MASCULINE CULTURE IN GENERAL PERPETUATE THIS PROBLEM?

Here’s where we broaden the conversation. Now, men know there is a problem, and they are also present to the cost of this problem in their lives and to the women in their lives. Next, get men to brainstorm the causes. From unhealthy role models to alcohol to sexual objectification to unclear signals, etc. we layout the contributing causes of this problem.

STEP 5: WHAT HAVE I DONE TO STOP IT?

We ask men to start thinking for themselves of ways to stop this trend. Again, the ideas have to come from the guys. If we as facilitators start jamming it down their throats, they will only regurgitate what we tell them and there will be no transformation in consciousness.

STEP 6: WHAT HAVEN’T I DONE IN THE PAST TO STOP IT?

This is tricky. But at this point we ask men to own up to where they have added to the problem (in their own judgement). In my case, I didn’t confront a friend who had date raped another friend of mine in college. The rape occurred one year before I knew either of them. When I found out, I simply stopped being the guy’s friend. Yet, because I didn’t confront him, who’s to say he didn’t do it again. I added to the problem. Questions could be, “Have any of you ever plied a woman with alcohol so she would have sex with you?”, “Have you ever let a friend have sex with woman who was passed out?” These questions could be put onto piece of paper and put into a hat and then counted, so each man can remain anonymous, but also honest in their answers.

Would this work?

Why do it this way? I believe the number one problem with having a conversation with frat men around sexual violence is shame. Shaming and judging men is not going to get them to take an honest look at themselves or their behaviors. If you noticed, nothing in here was about telling men what to do or not to do. It was simply a conversation. I believe that the vast majority of men want to do the right thing, but they haven’t EVER had an honest conversation about it.

Let’s start one…

We just finished performing four shows in three days at Arizona State University. Every performance was stellar, even though we didn’t know what kind of venue we were walking into. Blackbox theatre. Banquet hall. Class room. And finally an outdoor stage. The first night was a black box theatre in Mesa, at the PolyTechnic campus. Even though it was the Final Four’s, final game, we had the place 60% full, mostly men, who were totally engaged throughout.

The World Grand Slam Champion Poet Ed Maybrey joined us on stage for two amazing poems. One is called Juno Se Mama, and it was the hit of the show. Watching Ed, I could see my own horizons expand for what was possible for my own performance. I thought I was good. Then I watched Ed. I had to follow Ed, and I now I realize—wow—I have a long ways to go to improve my own performance and material.

Our second night was the best of nights and the worst of nights.  We performed to a 3/4 empty banquet hall filled with circular tables and part of the lighting was burnt out, leaving half of our faces in shadow. Fifty percent of the audience were freshmen and sophomore fraternity men, who “had” to be there to fulfill a fraternity requirement. While the performances were good from the whole cast, it was a hard space to connect with people with such intimate pieces. I had it all to do over again, I  would have change the room around.

At first the frat guys scared me. I knew they didn’t want to be there and as Paul said, they walked in with an energy like they owned the place. Would our pieces land with them? Would they connect? Would we connect? Mostly, we did. And they were fairly present and with us during most of our pieces. I had to reach into my heart before my Tantra and For Linda pieces—and love them—exactly where and who they are. Because I knew if I couldn’t— because if I judged them (and I did catch myself judging them) or feared them—I would have nothing to offer them but my judgement. There was the elephant in the room. Frat = Rape, and it was a thick energy, nasty energy to overcome.

After the last piece, the show was about to come to a close, and I was about to open up the room for Q & A, get feedback and hopefully dialogue with the audience and cast, when it got de-railed. Here is an account that showed up after article was written about us in the State Press:

“I was appalled by the actions of (facilitator’s name) towards the group of “frat guys” who were attending the show. I thought they were singled out and scolded as if they were the ones responsible for the sexual crimes this performance was intended to prevent! One of the coordinators actually asked to give them a round of applause for attending and said that she hoped they would help protect and stand up for girls being assaulted…as if the whole performance was geared towards this specific group…I felt it was extremely disrespectful to these students who came out in good faith to see this performance. I felt those guys were treated very poorly and the actions of the coordinators caused them to just leave irritated instead of staying to have a dialogue, which they seemed receptive to until (facilitator’s name) began her grandstanding. Her comments seemed out of place and made me feel she missed the entire point of the content… in addition to the coordinators seemed to be trying to put out a fire created by 2 offended people, as opposed to letting the majority of the audience enjoy the performance and address their comments/issues afterwards like mature adults.”

Another woman from the audience asked the fraternity men, “Do any of you know where the erogenous zones of women are?” (referring to a piece we did in the show). I could see the boys collectively fold their arms. It was no longer a safe place for sharing. They were now a target.

As so were we.

One of  our pieces is called The Puritan, written and acted by a woman who I completely respect. (Check it out and tell me what you think.) In a nutshell, it is a “vagina” doing a monologue on sanctity, personified as a Southern Belle in a pink dress. It is supposed to be comical with a message. The point of the piece is the vagina giving voice to how sacred it is and that it shouldn’t treated like a penis. Yet, for a few, this point came across as offensive. (CYA: The script was approved by the ASU university staff prior to the show and in the dozens of shows that we’ve done, we’ve never had this kind of reaction before.)

The radical interpretation and the critique of The Puritan from the facilitator and from several women at our show was that women were being portrayed as the sole gatekeepers of the vagina and they are the only ones responsible for saying no—and this relieves men of their responsibility and consequences of their actions. In rape, victims are often blamed. There was a strong feeling among a few women that the piece was reinforcing that fallacy and stereotype.

Of course, if I thought that is what the piece is about, it wouldn’t be in the show. However, because of the controversy, and the fact that ASU was paying us to do these shows to educated students, and not piss them off, I decided to err on the side of caution and remove it from line up on for the third performance. I also take a very close look at that piece and see if it can be altered so that this negative interpretation is removed. Two of the women most offended came up to me and told me their complaints about the show. I listened intently and gave them a card, and ask them to please send me an email with everything that was wrong with the show and that piece in particular, as they saw it. I do want to make the show challenging for the audience, but not in a way that inflammatory, or reinforcing of stereotypes.

Okay, back to the Frat men.

I loved those guys. I respected that they were there. And wanted to talk to them, but the controversy of one piece got displaced onto them. After about ten minutes of preaching and monologuing from the two facilitators, they got up and left. An opportunity was missed. But I do hope they took something away from the show. I think they did. I just don’t know what.

The third performance was awesome. It was at noon, in a class room, only one hour long. Short and sweet. We only had about 25 people there, but those who came were touched, moved and inspired. We needed it after that second performance.

Later that day, our final performance was held outside at a rally. Only about 10 men were there and a perhaps 100 women. We each delivered stellar performances, perhaps the best of all four shows, and it felt good.

There were times when I wondered if this was worth doing at all. The time, the controversy, the stress, but today, I feel proud and happy, and fulfilled.

Yes. It’s worth it. Next show is at NAU April 24 at 7:30.